a fluid definition of home

It is surreal to think that that end is near. A year of trekking through mexico, exploring pueblos, ruinas, cantinas. On one hand, a year that seemed like it would last forever. On the other hand, a year that always seemed like it was leaning on borrowed time.

It ain’t over yet though. On Sunday I drag my fucking bags to the bus and head over to Queretaro. By all accounts that I’ve heard it’s a beautiful, culturally rich, interesting city. And I’m gonna fucking see Little Jesus. Still can’t believe that. it’s fate. It’s luck. It’s proof that life is good.

I’m not sure when it happened. Saturday or Sunday. I hit a kind of breaking point where I couldn’t stand being lost anymore. I decided to start being more deliberate about the direction that my life is taking. I know what is important to me. But the missing piece is building good habits that support what I feel is important. So, I’m gonna pick up a couple of self-help books this year and try to get my head out of the fucking sand.

The main drag of the past 9 months has been my own damn self. The same fears. The same anxieties. The same avoidance. Year after year without any resolution. Enough is enough. I know that I have the power to shape my own fate. Even at 28 I have more potential than I can even possibly imagine. I have to believe it. I have to believe in my own capacity for change and work towards it. I am more than a noid, I am more than a nihilist, more than a hedonist. I appreciate life. I want to appreciate it more deeply. I will have better relationships, better trips, better experiences. I will learn more, love more, see more and appreciate it all knowing that I am doing my best to squeeze the most that I can out of life.

It’s nerve-wracking to change. But it’s encouraging to believe — to know — that I still can.

So yes, change is coming. Querétaro is coming. And then, I don’t really know what’s next, to be honest. I suppose I have to do some wandering around the United States until we get our annual BRAYN meetings out of the way. Once those are done I’m taking a fucking plane to Argentina. In the meantime, well. The US is a big country. Most of the big cities worth visiting are prohibitively expensive for my Airbnb lifestyle. Not sure what to do about that. I suppose it will all sort itself out. Is couchsurfer still a thing?

But I have to say, my level of enthusiam around returning the the united states is pretty damn low. I’m going out of oblication to my work and to my family. But there are too many miles left in these shoes to hold out for much longer. Buenos Aires is calling me. Macchu Picchu is calling me. Colombia tambien me llama.






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