i feel like I signed myself for a challenge that I wasn’t prepared to accept. ripped myself away from the thin social fabric I had back “home” and dropped myself in the middle of nothing. continue dropping myself in the middle of nothing, over and over again. I don’t have much chance to develop any kind of lasting relationship. I’ve met very few people. my principle companions have been women from dating apps. let’s face it, meeting people and making friends have never been my strengths.
I was sort of hoping, that by embarking on this adventure, I could begin dismantling some of of that pain and anxiety that keeps me from opening up, that keeps me from being outgoing, saying hello in casual situations, feeling comfortable with myself. this journey was meant to be something to challenge my deepest insecurities, center myself, do away with the nastiness and the stagnation that I felt had built up over the years.
the problem is that I have failed to challenge myself. i have continued avoiding discomfort, continued avoiding strange pairs of eyes and conversaciones incomodas. i still work myself up into a lather wondering whether I fit in, whether people notice me, whether I seem strange and out of place to others. i torture myself, over and over again, walking by cafes and restaurants and not daring to enter alone for fear of finding myself in an uncomfortable situation. this is called avoidance. it is the surest way of never finding a solution to your problems.
without some serious self-reflection and some serious effort, nothing is going to change. you cannot spend the rest of your life avoiding discomfort. discomfort is part of the game. anxiety is part of the game. the trick is learning to manage it, to live with it, and not let it control you and keep you from enjoying life. avoidance is so comfortable for me now. it is the default state. I can hardly bring myself to smile at a stranger or ask how’s the weather, did you like the movie, do you like this restaurant?
avoidance is bad news, J. my advice for you is to stay active. you spend too much time in your bed consuming media as a method of avoidance and coping. you avoid putting pen to paper and hands to the keyboard because this is the one place where you cannot lie to yourself. write more. get outside. go to museums and restaurants and theatres and feel that you are enough. Pursue your curiosity and the things that interest you. Your curiosity and sense of wonder are what make you you
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