panic and noise at santa lucia

it’s a feverish mixture of streets for someone not used to navigating this way. am i on 66 going north or south ? i just turned on 53,.or was it 51? I’m going to 68/53, or at least that’s what I thought. At some point i just let myself get carried away follow the lights and sounds. that’s when it feels the best. and i know i can figure out the way back no matter where i end up

i walk up and down the swestreets in a state of sheer bilingual terror. panic and fear all centered around the fact that i am aloooone. any place that i enter i have to enter alone
a table for one
a single seat at the bar
i have to confront any looks glares and conversations alone, without the crutch or the backup of a friend already by my side. this is what I need to get un-stuck. this is where I need to change more than anywhere else. carry yourself with dignity and confidence and move through the world without any fear of what is coming next. it will sort itself out. todo te va a salir bien man, you got this.

i found an empty bar. i had a couple beers. the panic and the noise subsided just a touch. I’m in the parque de Santa Lucia. I need to check out Santa Ana later. I want a gordita. i want to close my eyes. i want to keep walking until desperation and exhaustion drives me to talk to someone






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